i'm alive

i'm alive

i'm sorry i haven't posted on this in awhile. tumblr's been a bit more easy to access, but this place is more private.

the holidays have me on edge. i don't know what to expect when i go home next week. i'm too poor to buy gifts for my dad, brother, and boyfriend. instead of saving the money that my dad gave me after thanksgiving break, i've spent most of it on me. why do i have to do that? i'm so selfish.

i can't imagine celebrating anything without my mom, especially christmas. then, it's her birthday next month. then it's mine in february. my first birthday without her, and i'll only be twenty... none of this will get easier. i miss you, mom. i know i haven't made you proud, since being back at school. getting my septum pierced probably has you so mad at me, i don't blame you for not paying attention to me anymore. but no matter how many stupid things i do to myself, you will always be watching me. keeping me safe. how else haven't i gotten a speeding ticket, or in a car wreck yet? you're my angel, mom. you're our angel. we love and miss you so much.

Read more »

fading with everyday

fading with everyday

i can't do this anymore.  why are the nights so hard for me?  i feel very restless, unstable and i don't know what else there is to do anymore.

my relationship with my boyfriend is driving me through the wall.  all of this going on at once is making me want to do very bad things.  i'd seep, but i'm not tired.  i've already cut myself.. seems like that isn't going to go away anytime soon.  my doctor won't e-mail me back. I NEED HELP. i don't want to deal with this pain anymore, okay. i don't want to deal with thanksgiving, or christmas, or any other fucking holiday that doesn't mean shit anymore. clearly, someone understands me? i can't deal.

Read more »

abusing ativan

abusing ativan

my doc has been giving me higher dosages of ativan lately. i took some a few hours ago, and i still feel a bit discombobulated.  not saying that this feeling isn't great, or anything.. and it sure beats feel like low-life. it's 4:10am, and i'm awake enough to contemplate on taking just a few more. experimenting.

lol, i'll just end up passing the fuck out. watch.

Read more »

introduction

introduction

i'm not one to keep up with blogging, but i am at a point in my life where i feel these letters that type are the only things who will listen to me.  typing is also something that i like to do, besides talking because i can get out my words clearly, without having to constantly having to explain myself.  you're going to be my newest friend, blog.  get used to me.

the main subjects of my future blog entries are going to be about my mom, who died on april 12th of this year, and how i'm (not) coping with her loss.  like right now, my emotions are at the point where i don't understand why i'm here.  i want to be my selfish-self and whine about how much i want to be with my mom, and not struck here, alone.  yes, i would rather be dead than alive right now.  do you know how hard it is to live when you have to go through these up and down emotions, constantly?  medications doesn't seem to be doing jack shit, and i can't even get the new one that i was prescribed to get because insurance won't pay for it.  my psychologist is nice, but i feel as if that's going nowhere.  i need something to make me want to live.  i want my mom back...

every night, i am stuck thinking about all that we've been through, just to see our mom pass away before our eyes.  i have dreams where she's still alive, and i can't even express how shitty it is to have these dreams.  i wake up; she's gone.  they're my nightmares.

watching her die in the hospice has diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder.  i see her dead expressions, i can't get that smell of her decaying breath out of my head...  i was the strong one when it came to her being there, really.  i kept it up for the sake of my brother and dad.  i just don't know why i'm breaking down this bad.  bad, as in, everything.  i wish it were me, instead of mom.  i'll always want that.


end

Read more »